


Two Ghosts

by psychotic_fangirl369



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Foster Care, Hurt Jared Padalecki, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Past Abuse, foster brothers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 21:11:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11090013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychotic_fangirl369/pseuds/psychotic_fangirl369
Summary: Jared grew up in the foster care system. He knows that when a new family takes you in, they don't intend on keeping you for long. But after a traumatic event leaves him in the home of the Ackles family, he starts to think that there might be some decent people left in the world after all and Jensen Ackles is hell bent on proving just how loving people can be when they find someone worth fighting for.





	Two Ghosts

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all! 
> 
> Yes, this book involves Jared being in the foster care system and falling for his new foster brother, Jensen. Don't like it, don't read it. 
> 
> There will be no abuse in the present, but there WILL BE mentions of it and brief flashbacks. The abuse includes sexual abuse (though that isn't too graphic, I don't think?? It's more just implied or stated) and physical/verbal abuse. Although there isn't a lot of it, don't worry. 
> 
> This may seem dark at some points but it does have a happy ending, I promise. 
> 
> Also, there is mentions of suicide although no scenes describing it. If any of this triggers you, don't read it. 
> 
> That being said, I hope you enjoy it!

**Part One**

 

Jared Tristan Padalecki stumbles down the dark alley way, his head pounding and the cold clawing at his heart. _I have to get away. I have to escape._ The mantra runs through his mind like a broken record, the words gaining strength as he pushes onward. I can’t go back there, he thinks, trembling with fear and shock. His legs ache and the pain shoots through his feet with every frantic step. But despite the evident uncomforted and need to rest, he refuses to stop moving. Getting caught and being taken back to his foster home is not an option. The family he had been staying with started off as the best he had ever been part of. Mr and Mrs. Williams had been kind and welcoming, seeming to love him from the moment they met him. Whilst the other families he had been forced to live with had used him as a laborer and treat him like scum, the middle aged couple had accepted him with warm hugs and a proper bed. He had been happy, for a whole year, settling into a school and achieving for the first time in his life. They had come to every basketball game, every awards ceremony, helped him with his homework, cut the crusts off his sandwiches. Heck, despite the fact that was 15 years old when he first arrived, Mrs. Williams used to read to him. He felt loved and cared for. Then Mrs. Williams had gotten sick. When the hospital report came back, stating that she has a deadly form of cancer, a sadness had taken over the house. Still, despite the evident unhappiness, things had been okay. Willingly, he had helped care for Mrs. Williams, up until her final breath in the hospital room four months ago. Even then, after her tragic death, things had been okay. Mr Williams remained kind, and together they mourned the loss of the most important woman in both of their lives. Then, a month after her death, things had started to change. It was small at first, barely even noticeable. Mr Williams would complain about the fact that he was part of too many after school clubs and that now that Mrs. Williams was dead, he didn’t have the time to run after Jared. Jared had sadly, but willingly, cut down on his after school programs. First he gave up chess. Then drama. Then art. Then the bombshell came and Mr Williams told him that he was no longer allowed to be part of basketball. Anger had consumed him, but he had obeyed, quitting the team grudgingly and storming home from school, annoyance festering inside of him.

Two weeks after quitting every extra mural activity that he was part of, Mr Williams hit him for the first time. He had come home from school 10 minutes late due to the fact that he had been making out with Lindsey in the storage cupboard. He had been on a high, the girl that liked him had made a move on him and he’d managed to snag his first kiss. Being a foster kid usually was viewed as a bad thing and in every other town he had been an outcast. But there, he had been accepted. Mr Williams was in the kitchen when he got home. Angrily, he had demanded to know why Jared was late. He had frowned, confused by his foster parent’s response. He had never minded when Jared was a few minutes late before. When Jared told him as much, Mr Williams had raised his hand and smashed his fist into Jared’s stomach. From then on, it became a regular occurrence. Jared would forget the stupidest things, like hoovering the house or dusting the furniture and suddenly this monster would replace the once caring Mr Williams. Still, Jared dealt with it. It wasn’t the first time a family had abused him. But last night things had gone too far. Mr Williams had come home late and stumbled into Jared’s room. Then things became a sort of blur, but the next thing Jared knew was that his clothes were torn and Mr Williams was trying to force himself upon him. Jared had panicked, managing to knock the man unconscious. Then he had pulled on new clothes, grabbed a few spare outfits and some cash that he had been saving, before dashing out into the night.

He leans against the wall, panting and gasping for breath. _I have to get away._ Tears trickle down his face. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He had finally been happy. Why did this always have to happen? Jared slides to the floor and curls his knees against his chest. He rocks himself gently, hiccupping as ghastly noises seep out of his constricted throat. _Please,_ he begs silently inside his mind. _Please, someone, help me._ Then the world turns dark.

 

*****

 

“His guardian has confessed to everything. Jared will be removed from his foster home and placed into a new one. His social worker thinks that it would be best to move him to another part of the state. A knew town could help him develop and overcome this trauma he has been put through.”

Jared blinks sluggishly, the voice drifting in and out of his mind. Everything hurts and a small groan spills from his lips. Then a cool hand is on his forehead and a voice is whispering his name. He manages to peel his eyes open, squinting against the blinding light. A woman is leaning over him. It takes a few seconds for his brain to start working and when it does, he lets out a gasp.

“Alona?” He croaks out, his voice hoarse.

His social worker, Alona, presses a cup to his lips and he gratefully sips the water greedily. Feeling better, he sighs and leans back on the bed, looking around. He is in a hospital room. Standing at the edge of his bed is a doctor and a policeman. They are murmuring to each other, discussing him. He tenses. _No. Please don’t take me back there. Please._ Alona presses her hands to his arm, drawing his attention to her.

“It’s okay,” she whispers. “You aren’t going back to Mr Williams. We have a new family lined up for you. I’ll tell you all about them later. For now, Jared, why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped.”  
He blushes and plays with his fingers, staring as they twist and weave the scratchy hospital blanket.

“I liked it here,” he mumbles. “I was doing well. For once in my life I wasn’t an outcast. People liked me.” His voice cracks and he doesn’t bother to hide the tears that fall. “Why does no one want me, Alona? My own mother didn’t. And the 16 homes I’ve been to haven’t either. What’s wrong with me?”  
“Oh, honey,” Alona coos, wrapping her arms around him.

He breathes in her comforting scent, taking refuge in the familiarity of her mold. Alona had been his case worker since he had been found abandoned in a rubbish dump at the age of 9 months. He has been left with a blanket that had long since been lost, and a birth certificate, along with a letter from his mother asking that whoever found him would please make sure he got taken to the social services and make sure that he lived. Alona had been working the shift when an old woman had walked into the building, Jared wrapped in her arms. The social services had searched for his mother, only to find her dead in the small apartment where she had lived, a gun on the bed beside her and a suicide note on the bedside table. Apparently death had been more appealing than being with him.

“There is nothing wrong with you,” Alona reassures him, her grip tightening.

The policeman clears his throat. “Jared, son, I need to ask you a few questions in order to confirm Mr Williams story, is that okay?”

Nervously, Jared nods. Thus begins a series of questions about when and how and why and finally, when it is all over an hour later, he is allowed to drift off to sleep.

*****

 

He sits down at the table, opposite Alona. She has papers spread out across the desk and is humming to herself under her breath. She flicks a page carelessly as her eyes scan another, before handing the one in her hand over to him. There is a list of names, ages and dates. A new family. He knows the drill. He reads about them, sees if he approves and then Alona drops him off and the whole process starts again.

“Donna and Alan Ackles have three children, all their own biologically. The eldest son, Joshua, is studying away from home in California and only comes home during the holidays.  There second son, Jensen, is 17 years old and in his final year of school. Then Mackenzie, the youngest and only daughter, is 13 years old and simply worships her big brothers. They are a church going family.” Alona pauses, looking at him cautiously. “Does that bother you?”  
He shakes his head. No.

“Okay,” she continues. “They live in Dallas. Appear to be good people. You’ll have your own room, be allowed to join all the old clubs you were part of. You can drive to and from school with Jensen, or take the bus, they don’t mind. You will be treated like one of their own. Therefore, you will follow their houses rules and help with chores. However, they promise that they won’t expect any more from you than they do their own kids. You okay with them?”  
Jared shrugs. “They sound okay.” He doesn’t delve into more detail and he refuses to hope. He knows from experience that the outside image of the perfect happy family is often an illusion. He also knows that foster families will promise social workers just about anything and then the second Jared is signed over to them, the abuse will simply start all over again. He has been through it enough times already. This time, he won’t let them suck him into the false lull of safety, only to have it snapped up a few months later. No, this time he will keep his distance. He won’t get attached, he won’t depend upon them and he won’t trust them. This time, he’ll be smart. With his mind made up, he lets his eyes flicker from the page and meets Alona’s concerned gaze. She smiles encouragingly at him and so he smiles back, fakely. Alona, apparently content with his feeble grin, sets to work on the papers, filling out several forms and singing to herself. He sighs and stands, turning to walk away, when Alona calls him back.

“Jared? Promise me that if something goes wrong this time, you’ll tell me.”

He hesitates, chewing his lip. He’s a big boy. He can take care of himself. He doesn’t need a babysitter. But at the same time, it couldn’t hurt to have someone on the outside willing to help…

“Okay,” he replies. “I promise. Thank you, Alona.”  
She smiles. “Welcome, honey. Now go grab your bag and freshen up. We’ll head out in an hour, okay?”

He nods and leaves the room, strolling through the corridors of the social services building. He slips into the room he has been using as a temporary bedroom over the last week whilst he recovered. His few belongings are already packed in his duffle bag and he stares at it, sadly. Some people have houses and rooms and gadgets and closets full of clothes. But him? He has nothing. A couple changes of clothes and that’s it. He has nothing special. Nothing important. He’s worthless. He leans against the door and slides to the floor, a sob catching in his throat. Why? What did he do to deserve this life? Why? Why? Why? He buries his face in his arms and lets out a soggy sneeze, snot dripping out his nose. He knows he looks a mess, but no one is around to see him. No one is ever around. Once the tremors stop raking his body, he pushes himself to his feet and slips into the adjoined bathroom. Slowly, he raises his eyes to the mirror and takes in his blotchy face and disheveled hair. Ugly, he thinks. Mr Williams told him that a lot towards the last few weeks of his stay there. He told him that he’s an ugly, messed up mistake. Jared can’t help but believe him. His eyes are too small, his forehead too big, his lips too thin, his hair too long. Pushing back another sob, he splashes water on his face and waits in the bathroom until the red splotches have faded from his face. Then he leaves, swooping down to grab his duffle bag and then goes to meet Alona in the foyer.

She is waiting for him, messing around on her phone with his file under her arm. She glances up at him and smiles.

“You ready, hon?”  
Not trusting his voice, he nods. They head out to the car and he clambers into the front seat, resting his head against the window as Alona starts up the car. The movement of the car gently sways him to sleep.

 

*****

 

“Jared, honey. Time to wake up. We’re here.”  
Blinking awake, he sits up, rubbing his eyes. Here. His new home. He shoves his way out the car and stretches as he stands, his t-shirt running up and allowing the cold air to brush against his belly button. He yawns and grabs his bag. Nerves swell inside of him but he ignores it. The usual anxiety over being placed in a new home sets in and he bites back the fear. He wonders what Donna and Alan will be like. And will Jensen and Mackenzie be okay with him joining their family. He hates it when his new foster parents have their own children. Favoritism is always easy to pick up on and soon they’ll be treating him like a servant boy. He knows. It’s happened before.  Thankfully the eldest kid, Josh, won’t be there. That narrows down on the bullying he’ll receive.

Alona takes his hand and tugs him slightly, leaning into whisper in his ear, “It’ll be okay, honey.”

He nods, not taking his hand out of hers. It’s comforting. He doesn’t care that he’s 16 and holding hands is a bit childish. Never having the chance to be a kid, it’s nice when he has the opportunity. Alona leads them up the steps of the large, expensive looking house. She rings the door bell and then they wait. The door is tugged open a few seconds later and a small girl stares up at them. She blinks and a toothy smile appears.

“Hello! You must be Jared, my new brother!” She looks over her shoulder. “Momma! Papa! Jared is here! Jensen, where are you!”  
The sound of footsteps fills the hall way and soon a tall boy appears behind her. Jared’s breath catches in his throat. He is the most attractive boy that Jared has ever seen. A blush coats his skin and he stares at the floor, swallowing hard. Idiot, he curses himself. It’s a boy, for heaven’s sake. Boys aren’t attractive.

“Heya, Jared. I’m Jensen.”

Jared looks up as the boy speaks in a gentle, gorgeous voice. Jensen smiles brightly at him and nudges Mackenzie aside.

“Come on in. You must be Alona?”  
Alona grins and nods, looking over her shoulder to flash Jared a wink and expression that says _I told you this was a good idea._ Jared follows them into the house, feeling out of place and pathetic and unclean amongst the polished furniture and attractive boy. He takes a deep breath and looks up as he lets Jensen guide them into a sitting room. Two adults, probably Alan and Donna, are sitting at the table, chatting away. They stand when we enter and a large smile spreads across the kind looking woman’s face. She steps forward, ecstatic.

“Jared, darling! I’m Donna and this is Alan. We are so happy to welcome you into our home. I hope you had a good trip?” She inquires.

Jared breathes deeply. “Yes thank you, ma’am,” he says softly. He looks up briefly before casting his eyes back to the ground. He zones out as they continue talking, his eyes never leaving his scruffy, worn out sneakers. What if they really are nice people? No, he frowns. They won’t be nice. No one is ever nice. They lie, use you and then cast you out to a new home. He’s just their toy for the next few months. Then he’ll be on his way to a new home.

“Jared, honey,” Alona nudges him gently.

His gaze shoots up to find his new ‘family’ staring at him. He blushes and clears his throat.

“Pardon?”

Donna laughs lightly. “We were just saying, why doesn’t Jensen show you around whilst Alan and I talk things over with Alona?”

He nod. “Um, sure. Yes, please.”

Jensen smiles and walks over to me, glancing over his shoulder as he exits the room. “Why don’t I show you your room first and then we can look at the rest of the house?”

“Yes, please,” Jared repeats, swallowing nervously.

Jensen stops and looks back at him, curiosity clouding his face. “You don’t have to be so polite, you know. We’re family now. Family isn’t so formal.”  
Jared chews his lip and fidgets with the straps of his bag as he stares at the floor. Jensen sighs and then mumbles, “Come on,” leading him up the stairs and down a corridor. They stop outside a door and Jensen pushes it open. Before going inside, he points at the door directly opposite it.

“That’s my room. You can come over whenever you want, okay?”  
Then he steps into the open doorway and Jared follows. A soft gasp escapes him as he takes in the enormous room. There is a double bed, a desk, a chest of drawers and a closet. There is a large, empty bookshelf across one wall and he feels a small smile fill his face.

Jensen chuckles. “Alona said you loved books. Momma is already planning on taking you to this amazing second hand bookshop in town so that you can grab a few and start filling that shelf up.”

Jared looks shyly at him and smiles. “Thank you.”

Jensen nudges his shoulder playfully. “Welcome, Jay.”

A warm tingle flows through Jared at the nickname. No one has ever called him that before. He likes it. Jensen tugs on his arm.

“Come on. Let’s continue with the grand tour, yeah?”

Jared nods shyly. Maybe things won’t be too bad. Maybe the Ackles will be welcoming to him after all.

The tour goes quickly. It is a beautiful house and Jared can’t help the turmoil of jealousy that festers inside of him. He has been tossed from place to place since he was a baby. All his worldly possessions fit inside a plain old duffle bag, and yet Jensen and Mackenzie have practically everything a teenager could ask for. He ignores the slight anger and allows Jensen to lead him outside into the garden. He points out the ranch that the neighbors own, grinning as he talks about horses and how he works there on weekends and sometimes after school.

“Do you like horses, Jay?” he asks.

Jared shrugs, ashamed to admit that he’d never been close to one before. Jensen seems to sense his unease as he drops the subject, moving towards the house again, chatting carelessly about the school Jared would be starting at on Monday and how he was welcome to sit with Jensen and his friends at lunch. Jared doesn’t say anything, but smiles gratefully when Jen flashes him a grin. He mentally curses himself. Staying with the Williams had helped develop his confidence. He had partaken in school events, made friends, heck he’d even been considered popular. His friends were constantly complaining that he wouldn’t shut up. But everything that has happened has left him feeling broken – a mere shell of his former self. Talking makes him think and thinking reminds him of all that he has lost. That’s when the dark thoughts echo through his mind and the hushed whispers of sinful and disturbing voices crash down on him like an avalanche. He isn’t suicidal. He knows that. He knows that he would never kill himself like his mom; he’s as sure of it as he is sure that the sky is blue.  But that doesn’t mean that the thought hasn’t crossed his mind. Wouldn’t it be easier if this all just stopped? The moving, the hurt, the pain, the never ending hole of feeling unwanted and unloved. Then he thinks of the reasons he has to live. Just another couple of years and he’ll be legal. He can leave this all behind and study to be a vet, just like he has always dreamed and everything will be okay.

He shakes his head, clearing his thoughts and Jensen leads them into the sitting room where Alona is just getting ready to leave. She looks over and smiles at him. Placing her folders into her bag, she walks over to him and gives him a firm hug.

“You’ll be okay, honey,” she whispers softly. “You call me if you need anything. No hiding things this time, you hear me?”

He nods into the crook of her shoulder, petrified to let her go. But they can only stand like that for so long without it growing uncomfortable. She pulls back, places a quick kiss on his cheek and says her goodbyes. Then she is out the house and clambering into her car, flashing him one last smile before driving away. He’s on his own, once again. Swallowing, he turns back to these strangers that he now has to obey. Donna smiles and places her hand lightly on his shoulder.

“I made lasagna. I hope that’s okay? Do you like it?”  
He nods. “Yes, thank you, ma’am.”

He doesn’t. Not really. The sickly taste of pasta and cheese makes him feel queasy, but the last time he told Mr Williams he didn’t like a meal, he couldn’t walk for a day. That’s not the way he wants his stay with the Ackles to begin.

“Come on, then,” Alan says, clapping his hands and ushering them through to the dining room. The table is set and Donna disappears into the kitchen to collect the food. Jensen gestures for Jared to sit in the chair next to him, which he does hesitantly. He chews his lip as he glances at Alan who sites opposite him. Jensen and Alan chat amiably whilst waiting for Donna to return and he shifts in his seat, feeling out of place and uncomfortable. He also can’t help but wonder where Mackenzie disappeared to. Donna returns and places the boiling dish in the center of the table. She sits down and smiles at him.

“Sorry that Mack had to leave. She has youth group on a Friday night with a group of friends and couldn’t miss it.”

He nods in acknowledgment and jumps when Jensen takes his hand in his own. His skin is warm and soft, shooting a jolt of heat to his stomach. Then Alan takes his other hand and they all close their eyes. Oh, he thinks. They’re praying.

“Thank you, Father,” Alan begins, “for this amazing food that my lovely wife has made. Thank you for bringing Jared to us safely and for allowing him to become part of our family. Amen.”  
“Amen,” Jensen and Donna repeat.

Jared mumbles it under his breath, awkwardly. A family he lived with when he was nine used to attend church. But they never part took in Christian rituals such as praying or anything, except on Sunday’s. Other than that, he had never been part of a home that followed a religion. It makes him nervous. Not the religion itself, because yes, there must be a God. How else could you explain all this? This beautiful, amazing planet cannot be a mistake. Although, secretly, he believes that humanity is. No, the reason religion makes him nervous, is because he has never committed to it, never had the opportunity or the desire. Which means that if God is real, and Jared has been neglecting Him his whole life, does that mean he’s going to hell? He shakes his thoughts away, not wanting to dwell on the never ending debate in his mind.

Donna takes the serving spoon and starts dishing up their plates. She places large amounts on everyone’s plates and then picks up her knife and fork and tucks in. Alan and Jensen follow suit, complimenting her cooking and insisting that every time she makes it, it tastes better. Jared gulps and picks up his knife and fork, prodding the sloppy mixture in disgust, but keeping his expression neutral. For as long as he can remember, he has hated cheese. The texture of it, the taste, the after taste. The only food he can enjoy it with is pizza. But he knows he has to eat it. His foster parents never take to kindly to him disliking their cooking. He raises the fork to his lips slowly, dreading it.

“So, Jared,” Alan says, taking a napkin and wiping his mouth.

With a sigh of relief, Jared places the fork back on his plate and looks expectantly at Alan. The man smiles.

“Alona says you’re a smart kid. Good grades. She also said that you play basketball as well as chess?”

Jared nods, not speaking. He doesn’t want to come off as rude, but his stomach is in knots. He hates this. The small talk, the whole let’s pretend to get to know each other charade that the new families always put on. He knows that they don’t care. Why would they? He’ll be kicked out after a few months, anyways.

“Sick, man!” Jensen says enthusiastically. “My best mates, Chris and Steve, are on the basketball team. Coach was just telling them that they need to recruit new team members and start training them up to take over when the Seniors graduate. I’ll get try out details for you if you like?”

Jared is startled by his new ‘brothers’ enthusiasm. Are they being serious? Is he allowed to take part in activities again? He swallows and looks over at Alan.

“Am- am I a-allowed, sir?” he whispers.

Alan smiles. “Of course, Jared! You did them at your old school, didn’t you? And there is no need to call me sir. Alan is just fine.”

Jared shrugs. ‘Used to. Mr Williams made me quit.”  
Donna’s face falls. “Oh no, Jared dear! You can take part in any clubs you like! What did you do at your old school?”  
Jared stares at his still full plate as he speaks. “I did chess, drama, art and basketball.”  
Jensen nudges him with his shoulder and when Jared looks at him, he is grinning. “I’m part of drama club. You can come with me on Tuesday after school.”

Jared smiles shyly. “Yes please.”

Donna claps her hands. “Let the boy eat, you two! Jensen, any plans for this weekend?”  
Jared picks his fork back up and forces it into his mouth. He tries hard not to gag as the food slides down his throat. He manages three folk loads of the stuff before placing his fork back on the plate, feeling sick. Donna doesn’t notice, too busy listening as Jensen explains his weekend.

“Chris is coming over tomorrow afternoon for a project. Other than that, I was just gonna work with the horses, hang out with Jay and do homework.”  
Donna smiles at looks back at Jared. Her face falls.

“You okay, Jared? You look a bit pale.”

He gulps. “I’m fine, ma’am. Just not hungry.”

She tilts her head slightly, concern etched onto her expression. “Are you sure, hon?”

He nods. Jensen stands up, tapping Jared’s shoulder. “Why don’t we go get you settled in, okay? You’re probably tired from the journey.”

Grateful for a way out, he stands hurriedly, saying goodnight to the Ackles and following Jensen upstairs. Jensen gently reminds him where the bathroom is and then slips into his own room whilst Jared gets ready for bed. He showers quickly, brushes his teeth and then slumps back to his room, clad only in his sweat pants. He hates putting his t-shirt on straight after a shower as his hair drips on the collar and makes it wet. He is just about to enter his room when he hears a gasp behind him. He spins around to see Jensen watching him with wide eyes. Jared pales, feeling sick. He knows what his chest looks like. The scars and bruises from a life of abuse. The deep cuts on his back from foster home 5. The smaller, white markings on his torso from foster home 9. And the newest bruises, just above the waist band of his pants, from where Mr Williams fingers had burned into his skin when he had tried to rape him. Blushing severely, he pulls his t-shirt over his head and stares at the ground.

“Sorry,” he mutters.

Jensen is next to him in a heartbeat, his fingers tilting Jared’s chin up so that they are eye to eye.

“There is nothing to be sorry for. I was just shocked. Jared, what happened to you?”  
The question doesn’t sound scornful or disgusted. In fact, Jensen sounds generally concerned about what happened and Jared doesn’t know how to react to that. So he says, “What did Alona tell you?”

Jensen shrugs. “Not much. Just that you needed a home immediately and that you might be a bit jumpy at first. She wouldn’t say why. Said it was your business who you told and who you didn’t.”

Jared smiles at the thought that Alona hadn’t handed the Ackles his past on a silver platter. Then he steps away from Jensen’s touch. He goes into his room, leaving the door open in an invitation for Jensen to follow. He does. Jared doesn’t know why he feels like this, as though he can trust the boy he only met a few hours ago. But deep down he just gets the sense that Jensen is a generally nice guy who might be able to help mend the brokenness of his existence. He climbs into the bed, curling up in a small ball, and doesn’t’ flinch when Jensen sits down on the covers, watching him.  

“This is my seventeenth foster home,” he whispers. Jensen doesn’t say anything but Jared can see the shock in his eyes. “When I was 9 months old my mother left me in a dumpster and then shot herself. Been in the system ever since.”  
He doesn’t say anything else. He doesn’t feel ready to delve into his messed up past and spill his secrets. Thankfully, Jensen doesn’t push him. He just sits there in silence, hand resting on Jared’s shoulder, until Jared falls asleep.

 

_Mr Williams stumbles into the dark room. Jared feigns sleep, not wanting to talk to the man who only a few hours before had beaten him bloody. He keeps his eyes shut and hopes that the man will leave. Instead, he feels harsh fingers stroke his cheek, then a thumb ghost over his lips._

_“So pretty,” Mr Williams whispers._

_Then there is a shuffle of fabric. Jared dares to open his eyes and sees Mr Williams, his back to the bed, struggling to take off his clothes. No. Jared starts to panic. No. The man turns back to the bed and sees Jared’s wide eyes. He grins._

_“Hello, there, pretty. Look at you. Can’t wait to make you scream.”  
Jared sits up and cowers in the corner of his bed as Mr Williams advances on him. He tries to fight back as the man rips and tears at his clothes. No, no, no! A harsh laugh slips out his attacker’s lips and Jared tries to scream –_

“No!” he gaps, sitting up in bed, sweating and panting. Tears stream down his face but he ignores them. The nightmare, memory, is still fresh in his mind. The harsh truth of what nearly happened to him swarms in the pit of his stomach and he starts to sob. He buries his face in his pillow to block out the sounds and lets the tremors run through him. I’m worthless, he thinks. Pathetic. Waste of space. Made to be used and abused. All the harsh words that had ever been spoken to him filter through his mind and he can’t push them away. He deserves it. The fear and the pain and the never ending hate. He deserves it all. After a few minutes, he stands up shakily and slips out the room. It is still dark and the house is silent. He slips into the bathroom and splashes water on his face. He calms himself down, planning on going back to his room, when a voice behind him startles him.

“Jay?”

He spins around and comes face to face with a disheveled, tired looking Jensen. Jensen flips on the light and they both blink rapidly, adjusting to the fierce glow.

“You okay?” Jensen gasps out. Then he frowns. “You’ve been crying. What’s wrong?”

Before Jared can reply, his stomach lets out a grumble. Jensen smiles.

“Hungry, ey? That’s because you didn’t eat supper. Let’s go heat some lasagna up.”

Jared shakes his head hurriedly. No. He couldn’t stomach that now.

“Why not?” Jensen says. Then realization clouds his face. “Jay... if you don’t like something you can tell us. You won’t get in trouble. I promise. Momma won’t mind.”  
Jared blushes. “I don’t like cheese. Makes me feel sick.”  
Jensen nods. “Okay. Well. Let’s go grab you some toast or something, yeah?” He takes Jared’s hand and guides him out the bathroom and down the stairs. He lightly pushes him into a chair and tells him to stay there whilst he makes some toast. Jensen butters a couple slices in silence. He puts them on a plate and sits down at the table, sliding it over to Jared. Cautiously, Jared takes a piece and nibbles at it, thankful for the substance. His body hums in appreciation. Jensen lets Jared eat peacefully, but after his fourth slice, he addresses the elephant in the room.

“Jay, why were you crying?”

Jared freezes, dropping the toast as though it burnt him. He looks over at Jensen who is watching him with concerned eyes and he can’t hold it back any longer. He starts to cry again. Soft, broken sobs that shake his entire body and make it difficult to breathe. Jensen is next to him in an instant, kneeling on the floor and wrapping his arms around him. Jared sobs into Jensen’s chest. He hears footsteps, feels Jensen shake his head, sees Donna climbing back up the stairs, but he doesn’t pay attention. He just lets it out. The pain. The loss. It feels nice to be comforted. He hasn’t felt this cared for since the death of Mrs. Williams. After a while, Jared stops crying, but doesn’t pull away. Jensen’s fingers are running up and down his back comfortingly and it feels good. He gets the same feeling he had when he’d kissed Lindsey. He shudders and pushes that thought to the back of his mind. No way in hell, is he going to start crushing on his foster brother. He buries his face in Jensen’s neck and sucks in a lung full of air, taking in his scent.

“Nightmares,” he mumbles tiredly, worn out from his emotional outburst. “I was crying because of my nightmares.”  
Jensen pulls back and Jared has to prevent himself from whining at the loss of contact. Pathetic, he thinks absentmindedly. Then Jensen’s hands are on his face, wiping away the last remains of tears. He helps Jared to his feet and wraps an arm around his body in order to support him.

“Come on, Jay,” he whispers. “Let’s get you to bed, yeah? Come on, buddy.”  
Jared allows Jensen to guide him upstairs and back into his bedroom. Jensen helps him into bed and he tenses, petrified by the thought of being left alone. But Jensen doesn’t leave. He turns the light off and slips into bed next to him. They aren’t touching, but the warmth of each other’s bodies seeps into the other.  It comforts Jared in a way that is foreign to him. The only time he has ever shared a bed with anyone was back when he was 10 and the family he was with didn’t have enough room for all the kids. He shared with two older boys who liked to make out when they thought he was asleep. It wasn’t too bad though. He preferred that to when he was eight and had to share a room with a teenage boy who liked to touch _him._ Jared shudders. He knows that the life he’s been through and that the things he has seen are not normal. That at his age, he shouldn’t know what half of these things even mean. But he never had the luxury of being a child. They say that the system is supposed to help kids. They say it gives them the opportunities that they would miss out on if they were kept in an orphanage. But the world is wrong. The foster system is simply a way to dispose of unwanted kids in a manner that appears beneficial, whilst closing their eyes and ears to the abuse that ensues those abandoned to it. He rolls onto his side and slowly, scared that he is over stepping the boundaries, curls into Jensen’s side. The older boy doesn’t move for a second, but then his arms are sliding around Jared and wrapping him in a cocoon of warmth and safety.

“Go to sleep, Jay,” he whispers. “I’m here. I’ve got you.”  
  


**Part Two**

 

“She won’t bite!” Jensen laughs, stepping forward to maneuver Jared closer to the mare.

It’s a sunny, Sunday afternoon and Jensen is trying to teach Jared about horses. The weekend has flown by. Yesterday, Donna drove Jared into town along with Mack and took him shopping. They stocked up on his wardrobe, bought a couple books and made sure he had supplies for school. Jensen had ended up going out with his friends instead of them coming to the house. Jared had tried not to feel hurt or jealous. After all, he’d just met the boy. But the night they had spent together was fresh in his mind and the gentleness that Jensen showed him was so unused to everything he’d ever known that he couldn’t help but feel drawn to the attractive older boy. And that’s what he was. Drawn to him, crushing on him, interested in him. Jared didn’t know what that made him. He’d never found a boy attractive before. Up until meeting Jensen he had been strictly into chicks. But now, as Jensen wraps a hand around his own and flattens out his palm so that the horse can lap up the apple in his palm, he has to fight back a shiver. The feeling of Jensen touching him is indescribable. He tries to keep his breathing calm and let’s Jensen take the lead. The mare eats the food greedily and a smile spreads across his face.

‘She ate it, Jen!” He says excitedly. Happiness fills him. He actually did something right for once.

‘Yeah, she did.” Jensen smiles and pulls away. Jared pouts at the loss of contact, but quickly schools his features.  

“You excited for school tomorrow?” Jensen asks as they leave the farm and walk back to their house.

Jared makes a face, causing Jensen to laugh. He nudges Jared with his shoulder. “It won’t be too bad. You’ll have me. Promise.”

Jared smiles at him. “Thanks, Jen.”

They remain silent after that and wander back into the house just in time to find Mack throwing a glass on the floor, shattering it into a million pieces.

“It’s not fair!” She yells. “Everyone else gets to, but I don’t! I’m not a baby anymore, momma. Stop treating me like one!”  
“Mackenzie Ackles!” Donna exclaims. “Go to your room this instant and think about what you’ve just done! When you’re ready, come down stairs and accept your punishment.”  
Jared pales. Punishment? No. No, not again. Please no. He feels dizzy and queasy and the world seems to blur.

“Jared!” Jensen yelps, grabbing him and holding him up right. He is lead to a chair and he sits there, trembling as Jensen keeps his arms around him.

“What’s wrong with him?” he hears Jensen beg. But he can’t answer. He is too lost in his mind. To stuck in the past. He shudders once more, before going limp.

 

_“You stupid boy!” She yells at him, smacking him across the face._

_Seven-year-old Jared yelps in pain at the harsh slap. Tears spring to his eyes, but she isn’t having any of it._

_“Go to your room! When Lucas gets home come down stairs and take your punishment.”_

_Knowing better than to argue, he slinks upstairs to the crowded bedroom. The other children look at him in fear._

_“He’s gonna get you,” whispers a wide eyed, dead looking boy, his skin too pale and pasty, his bones sticking out and so thin that they look as though they are about to snap._

_Jared shakes his head in fear. “No. He won’t get me. I’ll get out.”_

_He sits there, planning how to escape, when the sound of the car on the gravel drive way fills his ears. Soon, he is dragged from the room and taking downstairs to the punishment room. He tries to break free but Lucas holds him too tightly. He takes the belt to Jared repeatedly, making him recite the Rules._

_“I am stupid.” Smack. “I am worthless.” Smack. “I am ugly.” Smack._

_Then Lucas lights his cigarette and burns the marks into him. Seven of them. One for each pathetic year of his life. He doesn’t get fed for a week either. Stupid boys don’t deserve food._

“Jay?”

He comes back to himself when there is a soft whisper in his ear and gentle hands in his hair, massaging his scalp. He is lying on the couch with his head in Jensen’s lap. Donna and Alan are kneeling in front of him with pale faces and Mack is standing to the side, worry on her young face. Donna reaches out to touch him and he flinches, whimpering as he snuggles closer to Jensen. He can’t help it.

“Jared…” she whispers.

He gulps and turns his head into Jensen’s lap, embarrassed and scared. They’ll hurt me now, he thinks. I’ve screwed up. I’m damaged. They’ll be angry. Jensen’s soothing hand in is hair calms him slightly and he forces himself to sit up, despite the fact that every bone in his body wants to remain curled up in the comfort of Jensen’s arms.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, staring at his fidgeting hands.

Donna sighs and moves to sit on the couch next to him, careful not to let their skin touch. He’s grateful for that.

“Jared, darling, there is nothing to be sorry for. Will you tell us why you had a panic attack so that we can fix it?”

He swallows. “You told Mack to get ready to accept her punishment.”

Donna frowns in confusion, but Alan gasps. “Jared. We don’t mean a punishment like what you are used too. We meant that she would be grounded. As I, she isn’t allowed to go out with her friends for two weeks. We would never, ever raise a hand to anyone. I promise that.”

Donna gently places a hand on his shoulder. “Is that what you were sacred of, darling?”

He nods slowly. “Lucas used to punish me for misbehaving. I thought, when you said that to Mack... I thought.” He stops trying to explain himself and stands quickly. “May I go lie down. I don’t feel very well.”

Donna nods and he dashes upstairs hurriedly, tears in his eyes. I’m so stupid, he curses to himself.  He chucks off his shoes and slips under the covers in his warm bed, crying softly. He just wants it to go away. Why won’t it all just go away? He hears someone coming up the stairs and closes his eyes, pretending to be asleep when his bedroom door opens. There is the soft padding of footsteps and then a gentle hand carding through his hair.

“I’m so sorry, Jay. I’ll help you. I promise.” Then a pair of cool lips are pressing against his forehead before Jensen retreats from the room.  He peels his eyes open and stares at the closed door in shock. Had Jensen just _kissed_ him? A small smile flitters across his face. No matter what happens, Jensen will help him. He just promised, after all. Maybe things will be okay. Maybe this is where his life turns around and things start looking up.

“Thank you,” he whispers to the empty room. “Thank you.”

 

*****

 

He nervously stands next to Jensen, staring at the daunting building. Jensen has his arm wrapped around his shoulders and he tries to focus on that rather than the fear coiling in the pit of his stomach. School. He is about to start school and he is petrified. He knows how this goes. The blank stares and harsh whispers as they analyze the new, orphan kid. He can only hope that they are as welcoming as his previous school. But he knows that it often isn’t like that only too well. He bites his lip and looks at Jensen, who smiles back at him, giving his shoulder a squeeze.

“Remember, you can come find me at lunch. Steve and Chris won’t mind. And the girls will simply love you.”

Jared knows from the way Jensen talks about his large circle of friends that he is popular. He doesn’t know whether that makes it better or worse. On the one hand, hopefully people won’t bully him since he is Jensen’s new ‘kid brother’. On the other hand, it might make him an easy target. People will pay attention to him and that scares him the most, the inability to float through the corridors as a ghost. Jensen tugs him towards the building and he follows numbly.

“I have a copy of your schedule and you’ve got mine. You need me, you come find me. Don’t hesitate. Want me to meet you after your classes?”

Yes, Jared wants to say. But instead he shakes his head. He needs to do this on his own. He can’t become too dependent on the boy, only to lose him a few months down the line. They enter the school and the stares start immediately. He blushes at the intense gazes and stares at the floor as Jensen guides him first to the front office and then to his locker. He inserts the code and dumps his books in it, keeping out his English and History books. Then Jensen shows him to his first class, English, and says his goodbyes, once again telling him that if he needs _anything at all_ he must come find him. With all said and done, Jared enters the classroom, chewing his lip when he sees the rest of the class is already seated. The teacher - a short, large woman with a pinched expression - glares at him over her glasses.    
“Who are you?” she asks, impatiently.

Jared swallows. “Jared Padalecki,” he stammers. “I’m new.”

Her harsh expression melts and she smiles at him, nodding. “Ah, yes. Mr Padalecki.” She looks around and points at the empty seat in the middle of the classroom. “Take the desk next to Mr Murry.”

Jared slouches over to the chair and sits down, pulling out his books and trying to ignore the stares. The teacher continues with the lesson and he tries to make notes, but soon he zones out when he realizes that he has already done this topic, _Pride and Prejudice,_ at his old school a few months back. The boy next to him tosses a paper plane onto his desk and he frowns down at it, then look sat the boy, who rolls his eyes and makes an opening gesture. Jared takes the note and peels it open, not sure what to expect.

 

I’m Chad. You Jensen’s brother?”

 

Jared looks up and nods. Chad grabs the note and scribbles again.

 

Cool. The Ackles are awesome. You wanna hang out later?

 

The bell rings before Jared can reply and the next thing he knows, Chad is dragging him to their next class, chatting animatedly and explain all the social order of the school. Jared doesn’t know whether to be grateful or dismayed by the fact that the apparent class clown is trying to befriend him. As the second class wears on he realizes that Chad is popular in his own right. He may not be loved by all, but he is definitely known by everyone, and that has to count for something, right, which Chad likes to point out. He makes it to lunch in one piece and is relieved to see Jensen when he enters the cafeteria. Jensen spots him and waves him over. Chad, seeing this, grins and nudges him.

“Let’s go see Jenny boy, eh?” Chad snorts, inviting himself along as they walk towards Jensen’s gang.

Jensen frowns when he sees Chad. “Seriously, Jay? Out of all the people in the school you had to befriend _him?”_

Chad cackles. “Nice to see you too, Jenny.” Then he looks over at one of the girls at the table and saunters over to her. “Hello there, Sophia.”

Jensen rolls his eyes and makes room for Jared to sit next to him. “How’s your day going?” he asks, hand resting lightly on Jared’s own, under the table. Jared forces himself not to blush at the contact and shrugs. Jensen is about to say something else when a new, feminine voice cuts in.

“Aren’t you going to introduce us to this fine human being, Jensen?”

They look up, Jared blushing deeply with embarrassment, and find Jensen’s friends staring at them, besides Sophia, who is desperately trying to move away from Chad who doesn’t seem to be getting the hint.  Jensen grins, draping his arm around Jared’s shoulders.

“Sorry guys. This is Jared. Jay, this is Steve, Chris, Tom, Sophia, Genevieve, Danneel and Sandy.”

Jared smiles weakly at them. Sandy grins, leaning forward and flipping her hair. “Jared. Nice name. Jensen said he had a foster brother but he neglected to mention just how… gorgeous you are.”  
Jared gulps, blushing even more fiercely as he stares at the table. Jensen laughs and says something, but Jared doesn’t hear it. The others chatter for a while longer, before the bell rings. Then Chad is dragging him away and the school day continues once more.

 

*****

 

Jared meets Jensen by the car after school, tired, annoyed and hungry. Most of the students had been nice enough, but a few had given him disgusted looks that left him feeling worthless. Then Jensen appears, grinning, and his mood immediately lightens. His foster brother unlocks the car and grins at him as they clamber inside.

“Sandy is so into you,” he exclaims, playfully winking.

Jared frowns. ‘What?”  
Jensen snorts. “You didn’t notice her flirting? Wow! Dude, I need to teach you how to make a move. She’s a nice girl. You should give it a shot.”  
He bites his lip. Whilst it’s true that he has never liked a guy other than Jensen, it is also true that he has never crushed on a girl. He kissed Lindsey because he knew he ought to. She liked him, he was _supposed_ to like her. It had felt nice, good even. But that was it. He just wasn’t attracted to her. So maybe he is gay. He flinches at the thought. Gay, in a household of religious people? He doesn’t say anything and Jensen takes his silence graciously, flipping on the radio. The car journey home is silent besides from the melodious tunes of the latest hits. When they enter the house, they are greeted by silence. Donna and Alan aren’t home and Mack has hockey practice. Jensen goes into his room to do homework, leaving Jared alone. He curls up on his bed and tugs out a book Donna had bought him on Saturday. He starts to read and allows himself to get lost in the new world that the pages offer. He loves reading. Whenever he has a particularly bad family, he can use books as an out. He can curl up and dissolve into the characters, ignoring his problems and the messed up life that he is being forced to live. And sometimes, after reading a particularly amazing novel, his issues don’t seem to unbearable anymore.

A while later, Jensen knocks on the door and steps inside. He looks nervous and embarrassed, which makes him look adorable. Jared scolds himself for thinking such things and he puts the book down, looking at Jensen expectantly. Jensen sighs and rubs a hand over his face.

“I’m sorry about bringing up Sandy. I just thought… I don’t know what I thought. But I won’t try hook you up with her if you don’t want me to.”

Jared smiles lightly, a small laugh leaving his mouth. Jensen’s eyes light up at the sound. Deciding to be honest, Jared says, “I just don’t think she’s my type.”

Jensen nods. “That’s cool. What do you like? Tall? Short? Blond? Red heads?”

“Male,” Jared says bluntly, then immediately regrets his decision. He isn’t even sure if he is gay, yet here he is blurting it out to Jensen.

His foster brother’s eyes widen comically and then he stammers, “Oh, I – uh – I mean, that’s cool.”

Jared snorts at his discomfort and then asks softly, “Is it? Will your parents hate me if they find out? Do… do you hate me?”  
Jensen comes over to sit next to him and stares down at his fingers as he replies.

“I don’t mind.” He looks up at Jared. “I’m gay too.”  
A leap of hope lunges into his chest and he has to bite back a grin. “ _Oh.”_

Jensen laughs and soon Jared joins in. They lean against each other, tears of relief spilling from their eyes along with little gasps of air as their laughter bubbles continuously out of their chests. Alan and Donna find them like that several minutes later, and the stunned looks on the adults faces causes the two boys to burst out laughing all over again. Donna shakes her head, a small smile on her face.

“I take it you had a good day, Jared?”

Jared nods breathlessly. “Yes, thanks, ma’am. It was a… happy day.”

Jensen snorts and buries his head in Jared’s neck, who sits there grinning widely. Alan rolls his eyes and leaves the room, tugging his concerned wife with him. Jared and Jensen smile at each other.  The room grows silent and Jared has to force himself to tug his gaze away from Jensen’s burning stare. He is my foster brother, he scolds himself. He barely knows the guy, and yet here he is, swooning over him, simply because of his pretty face and caring manner.

_Just a good little slut, aren’t you? You’d do anything for a bit of love and a pretty face._

He swallows as the words of the boy who sexually assaulted him when he was 8 appear in his mind. It’s been years, and yet they still plague him on a daily basis. What if he was right? What if he really is that starved of affection that he is too blind to see the truth? He shudders and stands quickly, folding his arms across his chest.

‘I have homework,” he mumbles to Jensen, despite the fact that he really doesn’t. Jensen frowns at his suddenly cold manner, but stands and smiles sweetly just the same.

“Okay,” he replies, walking towards the door, “see you at dinner.”

He leaves and Jared flops back onto the bed, alone with his thoughts. He reflects back on the day and whilst school hadn’t been too bad, it wasn’t enjoyable. Maybe he should try to join in with sports and clubs again. He was a good basketball player. His height and quickness made him a strong team member and allowed him to dodge and shoot well. He had enjoyed it back when he had played, had been angry about being forced to quit. So why is the thought of joining tormenting him so? Fed up of hearing himself think, he picks the book he had been reading back up and delves back into its pages.

 

*****

 

Jared falls into a steady cycle. The Ackles are still loving and caring, despite the fact that he has been there nearly a month. He allowed Jensen to convince him to join in at school and almost unconsciously he became a member of the Art and Drama club, as well as the basketball team. The coach had been thrilled when he had witnessed Jared’s talent and had immediately included him in the team. He was up to date with all his classes, even receiving A’s on a couple of tests. He is developing his confidence again, no longer as timid. But at night, when he’s all alone, his nightmares rage war against his defenseless mind and leave him breathless and sobbing. The traumas of his past refuse to leave him alone. He pretends to be strong, but sometimes, he can feel Jensen’s gaze on him, see the worry in his eyes. He hates himself for causing Jensen to feel like this, but there is nothing he can do.

He is sitting on his bed one Saturday afternoon, when he hears the door downstairs slam shut. He jumps, startled. Alan and Donna are away for the weekend at a conference, Mack is on a school camp and Jensen is busy helping with the horses. Panic fills him as he hears another door bang shut. Who is in the house? Swallowing hard, he stands up nervously and makes his way towards the door. He peaks his head out into the corridor. Nothing. He steps outside and bites his lip and he tip toes down the hall. He creeps down the stairs and pauses whenever he hears noises. He gathers his courage and rounds the corner of the kitchen, preparing for the worst. He lets out a yelp as he notices the person digging in the fridge.

“Jensen!” he squeaks.

Jensen curses, banging his head on the fridge and turning to face him, startled. “What the hell, Jay! Don’t sneak up on people.”

Jared pales. “Sorry, I- I was scared, okay! You don’t come into a house without yelling hello or something. I thought that, gosh, I thought that someone was…” he swallows down his tremble, trying to calm himself down. A look of realization dawns on Jensen’s face.

“I didn’t think,” he mutters, reaching out to grip Jared’s shoulders. “Calm down, it’s just me. I’m sorry. I won’t do that again. I promise.”

Jared nods and breathes deeply. “Sorry. I just freaked out. I’m sorry.”

Jensen shakes his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Jay. It’s my fault. Sometimes I just forget how jumpy you can be.”

Jared gulps and looks up to meet Jensen’s eyes. They are standing close together, their breath mingling. Jen’s eyes are swirling with emotion and Jared finds it hard to think. Screw it, he thinks, before balling his fists into Jensen’s t-shirt and pulling him flush against him, his lips pressing against the older boys. Startled, Jensen let’s out a gasp, before his mouth starts moving frantically against Jared’s, his hands cupping the other boy’s cheeks. It’s sloppy and rushed, but it still feels amazing. They stand there in the kitchen, making out like starved souls, for several minutes before Jensen pulls away slowly, panting. They stare at each other, both stunned and turned on. Jensen groans and rests his forehead against Jared’s.

“Jen,” Jared mumbles, closing his eyes.

The other boy gently tugs him closer and presses a kiss to his temple.

“It’s okay, Jay. Been dreaming of doing that since you walked through the door.”

A shiver runs through Jared. Holy pie, he thinks. Jensen wants him. Jensen _likes_ him. They stay there in a cocoon of safety and comfort, before Jensen pulls back, clearing his throat.

“Want me to make supper?”

Jared nods shyly. “Please.”

Jensen busies himself with making pasta and so Jared sneaks away, going back upstairs to his room, his mind racing. He doesn’t know what to think or do. Does this mean they’ll kiss again? Are they going to be a couple? What will Donna and Alan think? He grabs the laptop that Donna had given him and slips the DVD of _Jurassic World_ into it. He curls up in bed and watches the movie, listening to Jensen down stairs and growing more and more insecure and scared. Jensen comes up a while later carrying two bowls of pasta. They don’t say anything as Jensen climbs into bed beside him and watches the movie, eating silently. They both carefully avoid the others gaze, eyes solely on the screen. They don’t touch, not even slightly. Once the pasta is done, Jensen gently pries the bowl from Jared’s hands and places them on the floor beside the bed. Then he shuts off the laptop and places it on the bedside cabinet. Jared sits there, the blankets pillowing in his lap, as he watches steadily. Jensen sighs.

“I like you, Jared. I really, really like you. Ever since I gave you that damn tour of the house. You barely spoke and looked so damn adorable with your messy bangs and all I wanted was to make you feel safe. To make you happy.”  
“You do,” Jared whispers, looking up at Jensen from beneath his bangs.

Jensen smiles at him. “Good.”

They lie down then, Jared wrapped in the other boy’s arms, head resting on his chest. Closing his eyes, Jared reaches his decision. He had never told anybody about his life before, but maybe it was time to change that.

“I told you about my mother,” he begins, lifting his head so that he can see Jensen nod, before relaxing back against his chest. “Well, I don’t remember the first four homes very well. I was only a baby, after all. But when I was 7, I was moved to a new home in Boston. That’s where it all went wrong. Lucas Mitchel was my foster father for one year. He had a temper. Would take us kids down to what he called the dungeon and whip us till we were bloody. That’s what the scars on my back are from.” He laughs bitterly. “It wasn’t too bad. He would hit us, make us feel like crap, but it was bearable. I could manage. When I was 8, I was moved to foster home 6. I shared a room with the family’s biological son who was a teenager. He used to… he was sick. Would touch me in sexual ways. Would make me…” he can’t finish the sentence, but from the tightening of Jensen’s grip and the curse words that filter out his mouth, he’s sure the older boy gets the picture. “I lived there for 3 months. Are you sure you want me to continue?”

“Yeah.” Jensen’s voice is hoarse, but firm.

“Foster home 7 wasn’t too bad. If I did my chores and didn’t cause trouble, they wouldn’t hurt me. Then when I was 10, I was moved again. The next home wasn’t awful either. It was back here in Texas, back in San Antonio. It was great, actually. But their daughter got sick and they needed to look after her, not stupid orphans. So I moved after 6 months. The next home, foster home 9, was one of the worst. It was cramped, over 10 of us. And boy did he have a temper. Would burn his cigarettes on us, humiliate us, force us to… I had sex for the first time at the age of 10 in a room full of children with an 18-year-old boy because if I didn’t, _he_ would rape me, and that was worse than doing it willingly.” Jared’s crying now and he’s pretty sure Jensen is to, but he can’t stop. He has never told anyone about the horrors he has been through and to finally get it out, to let _someone_ know. It feels good. It is a relief. “I moved again when he died. One of the other boys, Tommy, killed him, then himself. It was... gruesome. So much damn blood. Anyway, at the age of 11 I moved to foster home 10. It was kind of a blur, if I’m honest. I don’t remember much. I was only there 2 weeks. Then I was tossed out and on to the next home, where I stayed for 8 months. That wasn’t too bad, actually, it would have been great. But by then I was so angry and untrusting that I acted out, raised hell. Just after my 12th birthday they got rid of me. I then went on a binge through homes 12, 13 and 14. They were all quick stays. Didn’t do much. Got beaten up occasionally. But it wasn’t too bad. Then foster home 15 rolled around when I was 13. I stayed there for just under two years and hated it. The woman who was supposed to be my foster mother was a stripper at the local club who brought home different men or women every night in order to have kinky loud sex with her alcoholic husband who liked to beat me and the other kid, Michael, up. They wouldn’t feed us for days, worked us to the bone – I didn’t go to school, never left that house. Then the social workers found out and I was moved to the Williams. Foster home 16. That was great. I loved them. They loved me. We were happy. I thought… I thought I’d found a real family. But then Mrs. Williams got sick. After she died, Mr Williams changed, but it was okay. I could handle it. Until one night he tried to rape me. I freaked and ran before he could and that’s when I was moved here. So you see Jensen, why I don’t believe that I’ll be here for long. They never keep me. They get tired of me or life gets too hard and I’m always the first one they toss. It’s how life works.”

The room falls silent apart from the sobs leaving both boys. They cling to each other, both aching – Jared for the pain he has endured, and Jensen for the life that an innocent baby who had done no wrong had been forced into. Hatred for the men who had hurt him courses through Jared. He hates it. The fact that he is so used and broken makes him ashamed. He just wishes that he was normal. What did he do to deserve this? Jensen’s fingers are carting though his mattered hair and it feels so damn good to have someone touch him in a way full of love and affection rather than out of sexual desire or the need to inflict pain.

“I can promise you one thing, Jared Tristan Padalecki,” Jensen whispers, his voice breaking through the silence. “As long as I’m alive, you will never feel unloved again.”

Jared sighs and pushes himself up onto his elbows in order to look down at Jensen’s tear stained, flushed face. He smiles weakly.

“I know, Jen. I know.”

That night is the first of many nights crying themselves to sleep in each other’s arms.   

 

******

 

“Screw you, Chad!” Jared laughs as he stumbles out of the boys’ locker room, sweaty and smelly after basketball practice.

The team had just finished up a two-hour practice and Chad was being his usual, clownish self. He nudges Jared and winks, chin jutting out towards the car park.

“Jenny boy is waiting for you, princess.”

Jared snorts and shoves Chad, but inside he is melting. It has been a week since that first night in Jared’s room where he spilled his life story. The two boys haven’t kissed since then, but that doesn’t mean that the occasional caress or lingering gaze hasn’t taken place. Jared almost feels happy. Almost. He smiles at Chad and then dashes over to where Jensen is leaning against the car, clad in a tight, white t-shirt and jeans hanging low on his waist. He looks hot. Jared smiles and climbs in the car when Jensen opens the door for him. He throws his bag onto the back seat whilst Jensen clambers into the driver’s side. Jay notices Jensen’s eyes on him and shoots him a questioning look. The older boy blushes.

“Sorry, you just look… you have no idea what seeing you all sweaty and hot does to me.”  
Jared blushes and stares at his lap. He’s turning Jensen on? He’s never had that effect on anyone before. Sure, he’s been told he’s pretty, that he’s a a tease, but no one has ever made it sound like a positive thing before. He shyly glances up at Jensen and smiles. Jen grins back before putting the car in gear and pulling out of the school parking lot.

“You ready for the audition tomorrow?” Jensen asks, switching lanes, his eyes flashing over to Jared before focusing back on the road.

The school is putting on its annual play. Whilst it is compulsory for him to be part of the play as he is in drama club, auditions are still required in order to place him and the rest of the students into their roles. Jensen has already had his audition during lunch today. It had gone well, at least Jensen had thought so. Jared was sure he had done perfectly. Yet again, in his eyes Jensen was perfect.

“I guess,” he replies. In all honesty, he can’t really picture himself playing any of the roles in the play. Jensen had assured him that he was a good actor, but Jared wasn’t convinced.

They arrive home to find that the rest of the family is still out. Mack has sports and Alan and Donna are still at work. Jensen and Jared head into Jensen’s room and Jared flops dramatically onto the bed, his math book in hand. They struggle through their homework, Jensen finishing first. He comes to sit down next to Jared. He lets his hand run through Jay’s hair. Jared looks up, his heart leaping into his chest as he meets Jensen’s intense gaze.

“Jen,” he gulps.

The older boy leans in and presses his lips to Jared’s. Jared moans and wraps his arms around Jensen, pulling him closer. They lie back on the bed, Jensen on top of Jared as their lips mesh together, tongues fighting. Then the front door slams shut. Jensen leaps back as if scalding water had been thrown on him, his eyes wide and hair mused, lips swollen. Jared is sure he doesn’t look any better. There are footsteps on the stairs and Jared hurriedly leans back over his school books, running a hand over his hair. Jensen flops onto the chair in the corner of the room, hiding his head behind a book. The door opens and Donna pokes her head inside the room.

“Hello, boys,” she smiles.

Jared looks up, trying to calm his blush. What if she guesses? What if she finds out and he’s sent away?

“Hey, Donna,” he mumbles as Jensen mutters, “Hey, mom.”

She eyes them suspiciously. “Getting your homework done I hope. Don’t want your grades slipping.”

Jared suppresses a grimace. Then she’s prattling on about what she’s going to make for supper before slipping back out of the room. Jensen drops his book and sighs in relief, before smirking mischievously at Jared. Jay frowns.

“What?” 

Jensen laughs. “You are too cute.”

Jared pouts. “Am not.”

Jensen gets up and walks over to where Jared is sitting. He tugs him to his feet and places his hands on Jared’s waist, causing Jay to let his arms loop around Jen’s neck.

“You are too,” Jen whispers, letting his nose brush against Jared’s cheek. The younger boy gulps and lets out a shudder as shivers shoot through his body. Their eyes meet and Jensen leans in, placing a quick kiss on Jared’s lips. Jared smiles and leans against Jensen, marveling at the feeling of safety that washes over him. Once again, he is stunned by the fact that he feels _loved._ Shocked that someone could possibly care about him after hearing all about his past. Jensen knows that he has been sexually abused and physically tormented, yet he is still here. The warm feeling builds inside of him and he squeezes Jensen just a tiny bit tighter. Then Jensen pulls back and nods towards the door.

“Best go downstairs and help make supper. Josh is coming home tonight, remember?”

Jared bites his lip and nods. The eldest Ackles kid, Josh, who had been away at college, was coming home for the weekend. Despite living with the Ackles for a month, he has never met the boy before and he can’t help but feel nervous. What Josh doesn’t like him? What if he can tell that him and Jensen are more than friends? Shaking his head in order to clear his thoughts, he smiles at Jensen and backs away towards the door.

“I’ll help Donna. You go freshen up in the bathroom.” He smirks. “You should probably fix your hair. I’m surprised your momma didn’t catch on.”  
Jensen scowls and grabs a pillow from the bed, throwing it at him. “Bitch!”

“Jerk!” Jared retorts as he ducks out of the way and slips out the bedroom, laughing loudly. He bumps into Mack, who eyes him curiously. “`What’s so funny, Jared?”  
Jared blushes and then winks at her. “Go ask your brother. I’m sure he’d _love_ to tell you.”

Then he dashes down the stairs in order to escape the younger child’s grasp. He stumbles into the kitchen and Donna smiles at him. He grins back and picks up the knife that’s resting on the counter, chopping the half done pile of onion before putting them in the pan. Donna is making her famous chili. Since moving here, it has become Jared’s favorite meal. Nothing beats proper, home cooked meals. Foster home 6 used to starve him. The older boy was often left in charge of his meals and he thought it was fun to make Jared suck his dick in return for food. And when you’re 8 years old, you don’t really realize what you’re doing, just that your stomach won’t stop grumbling and that there is an ache in your gut that will only go away if you do what the bigger boy said. He feels sick just thinking about it.

“Do you like it here, Jared?” Donna asks, interrupting his thoughts.

He smiles at her. “Yes, thank you. I love it.” He pauses. “Thank you for taking me in, Donna. It means a lot to me.”

She puts down the spoon she’s holding and walks over to him, wrapping her arms around him. “Oh honey, we love having you here. You’re one of the family now.”

Jared wonders if she would still say that if she knew he was snogging her son. There is a bang as the front door slams and then a deep voice yells out, “I’m home!”

Donna squeals and lets go of Jared to go and hug the man who has stepped through the door way.

“Josh!” she cries, gripping him tightly. “Oh, I’m so glad you’re home! Come and meet Jared. Jared darling, this is Josh. Be nice boys. Mack! Come down stairs. Jensen, you too honey! Your brother is home!”  
Jared awkwardly stands there, looking nervously at Josh. The older boy smiles.

“Nice to meet you, Jared. The family’s told me a lot about you.”

He’s saved from answering when Mack runs into the room and leaps on Josh, squealing. Jensen smiles at his brother, before walking over to stand next to Jared, their shoulders pressed together. It makes Jared feel safer, more confident. He knows that with Jensen by his side, anything is possible. He smiles around at his new family, and, for the first time in a very long time, he feels this sense of belonging wash over him. He knows that he has finally found a place that he can call home.

 

 

**Part Three**

“Jared, hold Jensen against your chest. You have just lost your best friend. Look upset, would ya? Jensen, don’t be so solid. Relax, look limp. You’re dead, got it?”  
Jennifer belts out orders as the rest of the cast stumbles around the hall, practicing lines or creating props. It’s three months into preparing for the school play. They have the scenes memorized and most of it is perfect, but this one scene between Jared and Jensen never seems to work. Mainly because it’s hard to force yourself to cry and look upset when your boyfriend is busy messing with you. Jensen knows that it’s his fault Jared can never keep a straight face in this scene. But he can’t help but slip his fingers under Jared’s flimsy t-shirt and tickle him lightly, just out of view of the rest of the cast. Jared shoves him away, glaring playfully.

“Cut it out, Jen!”

Jensen grins and nods bashfully. “Sorry, Jay. I’ll try to behave.”

“Again!” Jennifer cuts in, crossing her arms and glaring. The two boys bite the insides of their cheeks to keep from laughing and get back into character. Jensen valiantly keeps his hands to himself and they get through the scene without laughing or smiling. Jared’s voice cracks as he dishes out his monologue to his dead friend and Jensen itches to open his eyes and look up at his face. But he remains motionless and expressionless, trying, for Jared’s sake, not to ruin the moment. Once they are done, they sit up and look out to seek Jennifer’s approval. The rest of the people in the hall have stopped moving and are watching them, open mouthed. Jennifer grins.

“Beautiful! Just… absolutely perfect. Can you do that again?”

Jared groans and Jensen laughs lightly, falling back into Jared’s arms as they start the scene all over again.

 

 

*****

 

They walk out of the hall together after rehearsal, chatting playfully. It’s a Friday afternoon and Jensen is dropping Jared off at Chad’s. He isn’t happy about it, but Chad is Jared’s best friend and he knows he has to make an effort, for his boyfriend’s sake. He grins to himself. Jared is his boyfriend. He wishes he could tell people, but he knows that not everyone will approve, what with them being foster brothers. His friends would be okay with it, he thinks. But his parents? His mom thinks of Jared as her third son and he’s pretty sure his dad does as well. He doubts they’d be okay with him dating a guy, let alone Jared.

Just before they get into the car, he pushes Jared against eh side of it and presses his mouth against the younger boys in a harsh kiss. Jared lets out a startled yelp before relaxing against Jensen, kissing back feverishly. Jensen knows it’s a risky move, kissing in the middle of the school car park, but it’s deserted, the only people still in the building the drama students, who are still inside the hall finishing up a scene that neither of them are in. Jensen pushes his body flush against Jared’s and grinds against him slowly, causing Jared to moan. In the three months that they have been dating, they haven’t gone further than kissing. Jensen wants to, but he is willing to wait, knows that he has to wait. Jared has been through so much and been touched by so many rough, disgusting men. He wants to erase every last bad memory. He wants to show Jared just how good it can be. But he needs to do it slowly. Take it step by step. He presses one last kiss against Jared’s swollen, plump lips and then pulls back, resting his forehead against Jay’s. Jared pants unevenly, the little spurts of air tickling Jensen’s face.

“Gosh, Jen,” Jared breathes and Jensen shivers, the husky tone of Jared’s voice filling him with warmth and love.

“I know, baby,” Jensen whispers back, before pulling away and opening the car door for Jared. He smirks and winks playfully. “Your chariot awaits.”

Jared laughs and shoves him before getting into the car. Jensen runs around to the other side of the car and gets in, smiling over at Jared. Then he pulls out the lot and drives towards Chad’s house. They park outside Chad’s house and glance over at each other, smiling. Jensen leans in and kisses Jared gently, in a slow, unrushed kiss. There is no frantic grabbing or forcefulness of lips on lips, just a sweet serenade of love passing from one to the other. Then Jared pulls away and gets out the car, grinning at Jensen.

“See ya later, Jen,” he says, before dashing up the steps of his best friend’s house, Jensen’s gaze fixed firmly on his retreating form.

 

*****

 

Jared should have known better than to kiss Jensen in the car outside Chad’s house. But honestly? How was he supposed to resist the beautiful specimen that had been sat next to him? If only he’d has self-control, he wouldn’t be in the predicament he was in now! Chad is still staring at him, dumbstruck, and Jared doesn’t know what to say.

“I love him, Chad,” he gets out, glancing up at his friend, then going back to staring at his shuffling feet.

“You love him?” Chad retorts. “Yeah, sure Jared, Why didn’t you say anything then? Huh? Because I thought we were best friends and yet here I am waiting for to you arrive and what do I see? You making out in front of my house with your _foster brother!”_

“Foster, being the key word,” Jared mumbles.

Chad groans and flops on his bed. “Seriously, Jared, seriously? You couldn’t have fallen for some other dude, like… Chris?”  
Jared makes a face, the tip his tongue prodding his cheek as he holds back a disgusted groan. Chris? Seriously?

“I’m not gay, Chad!” He complains. “I’m completely into chicks… Jensen is just different.”

Chad sighs and rubs his eyes. “I just wish you’d told me, man.”  
Jared nods. “I know. And I’m sorry, okay? I just didn’t know how you’d react.”

Chad shrugs and then smirks. “You’re my best friend, Jared. As long as you’re happy I don’t care where you stick your-“  
“Shut up, idiot!” Jared interrupts, whining in complaint.

Chad laughs. Then he tugs Jared in for a hug, muttering under his breath. Jared smiles into his best friend’s shoulder, before pulling away. The incident forgotten, they flop down on Chad’s bed and mess around on the x box, until eventually, Jared gets a call from Donna telling him it’s time to go home. He says goodbye to Chad and walks down the drive way, grinning when he sees the car waiting for him. Except it isn’t Jensen in the car, it’s Alan. The man smiles at him and Jared grins back, nervous. He likes Alan. He’s been nice to him so far. But he has never been alone with him since arriving at the Ackles and the memories of the past have a way of haunting him. Alan glances at him briefly before focusing back on the road. He starts to speak.

“Donna and I have been talking and Jared, well…”

No, no, no. They’re gonna send him away! What did he do wrong? He racks his brains, coming up blank. He tried so hard. He did his chores, gets good grades, doesn’t talk to much.

“Jared?” Alan asks, cutting into his thoughts. Jared looks at him blankly. Alan sighs.

“So Donna and I think it would be a good idea for you to see someone. A psychologist of some sorts. I don’t know the details of your past, but Alona did say that you have been through a lot. So what do you think? We just want to help you.”

Jared gulped. They’re not sending him away? They want him to see a psychologist? Well, if it means that they’ll keep him, he’ll do anything.

“Okay,” He nods frantically. “I’ll see a psychologist. I think it’s a great idea.” Not. He thinks bitterly. He doesn’t want to be alone in a room with a stranger. But he keeps quiet.

They arrive back at the house and he immediately heads up to his room, tired and stressing. Jensen looks up as he barges past. Jared ignores him and quickly closes his bedroom door. He undresses and face plants onto the bed, curling up under the covers. He just wants to sleep. He doesn’t want to think about tomorrow, or the next day or the next. He just wants to disappear. Maybe one day he will.

 

_“Come on, pretty. Open that sweet little mouth of yours. Come on, boy! Don’t make me angry.”_

_Jared blinks back tears. No, please no. The room is full of people who are laughing and watching, but Jared knows that they don’t find it funny. They’re just glad it isn’t them. The man glares down at him.  
“You know what, slut. Maybe it’s time I train you further… blowjob fun is over.”_

_Jared whimpers. Please no. He’s seen what the man does to the other boys. How rough and painful he makes it. Please, God, please no._

_“I’ll do it,” a voice cuts in._

_It’s one of the older boys, lounging on a couch a few feet away. He stands and walks over to Jared, his back to the man. I’m sorry, his eyes say. I’m doing this for you. Jared wants to thank him. Anybody but that man. But he never gets the chance. The boy hangs himself the next day._

Jared sits up, gasping, but Jensen is there to sooth him and soon he falls back into a fitful sleep.

 

*****

“It’ll be fine,” Jensen reassures him, pressing a kiss to his temple.

Jared shoots him a disbelieving look. Jensen huffs, letting out a short laugh.

“Don’t look at me like that, Jay. You’re the one who agreed to this.”

Because he felt he had to, he thinks, but doesn’t say it. Jensen will tell him off. Tell him that Alan and Donna love him and that he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do, that they’ll keep him regardless. Sure they will, he thinks.

The receptionist looks up from her computer and smiles at him.

“Doctor Cassidy will see you now.”

Jared nods and stands, shooting one last look at Jensen.

“I’ll be right here,” his boyfriend promises.

Jared nods and then walks into the room. It’s a small room, painted bright blue and it has butterfly posters on the walls. There are no chairs, only bean bags and cushions dotting the floor. A vending machine is pressed into a corner and there are several pieces of large paper stuck across one side of the room, drawings littering the pages. A box of sharpies lies on the floor beneath the paper. Another corner has a low lying table with paper and pens resting on top of it. But what shocks Jared the most is the fire pit in the corner furthest from him. The orange flames shoot out of the wood and he flinches. What the hell?  
“Not what you were excepting, is it?” a voice says from behind him.

He spins around and nearly bumps into a tall woman standing behind him, wearing a dressing gown and slippers. She shuts the door and flounces over to a bean bag, collapsing into it and getting comfortable. He watches her warily.

“Sit,” she says, pointing at a bean bag opposite her. He slowly obeys. She watches him carefully.

“I’m Katie. And you are?”

He frowns. “Shouldn’t you know your patients names?”

She waves her hand dismissively. “I make a point out of not stalking people before I meet them. It’s a very unfair way to get aquatinted, don’t you think? If I know all about you and you know nothing about me, how are we to have a conversation as equals?”  
He frowns, thinking. Then he says, “I’m Jared.”  
She grins. “Nice to meet you Jared. Now as I’m sure you’ve already guessed, I don’t do this whole counselling thing the normal way.”

He feels the corner of his mouth pull up in a smile. “You don’t say.”

She watches him, considering. “You seem like a good kid, Jared. So I’m going to help you. I’m not going to force you to talk about things you don’t want to talk about. We’ll never get anywhere then, will we? No, what you are going to do is meditate. This room is a space for you to do whatever you want, whether it be enjoying free snacks from the vending machine, sleeping, drawing beautiful art work,” she points at the paper on the wall as she says it, “or writing down all the crap that’s happened to you and burning it. It’s your choice. You’ve got an hour a week to simply let it out however you want. Scream if you feel like it. Cry if you want, I’ve got tissues. Just… focus on the past, okay? Embrace what has happened to you and let it go.”

Then she stands and goes over to the vending machine, grabbing a chocolate bar.

“Candy?” She enquires.

“No thanks.”

She shrugs and sits back down on her bean bag. He looks around the room hesitantly. He stands and walks over to the drawings on the wall, curious. There are small scribbles and stick figures drawn in a rush. Nothing truly outstanding and nothing that gives away to much about the person who drew them. Taking a deep breath, he pulls the lid off one of the sharpies and allows himself to draw. He doesn’t think about what he’s doing, just lets the pen and his hand take the picture wherever they feel like it. He gets lost in the artwork and only stops when he hears the bell ringing, saying that the hour is up. He steps back and looks at the paper in front of him. He has drawn himself as a small boy, curled up in a ball in a dark room, alone. It’s simple, yet true. He still feels as though he is that boy, trapped in the darkness with no way out. He just never realized that he was stuck before.

Katie lays a hand on his shoulder. “You’re a good artist, Jared.”]He smiles. “Thanks.”

“See you in a week.”  
He nods and gives her a quick hug. “See ya.”

Then he slips out the room. Jensen is sitting on his phone, but looks up when he sees Jared walk out the room. He stands and walks over to meet Jared half way.

“Well?” he asks. “Was it okay?”  
Jared smiles. “Yeah, Jen. It was better than okay. It was great.”  
Jensen shoots him a quizzical look but Jared just shakes his head. He doesn’t feel like sharing. He likes drawing better.

 

*****

 

Jensen grins as the crowd goes wild, whistling and applauding. Chris and Steve are standing next to him and they bow together, laughing. They had just performed at the live karaoke night at the local hang out. Jensen is on a high, performing always does that to him. The three of them stumble off the stage, chatting wildly as they re-account their performance. The people they pass clap them on the back and congratulate them. They shove throw the throng of people and collapse into a booth, ordering their meals to the flirtatious waitress. Once she has left, Chris and Steve lean in close.

“So, how are you and Jared?”

Jensen rolls his eyes. His best friends have been asking for details on his relationship with Jared for a few weeks now, ever since he caved and told them.   
“We’re good, Chris. Now lay off, would ya?”

The two boys shrug and then Steve asks, “Where is he, anyway? Wouldn’t have thought he’d missed this, since you two can’t seem to go anywhere without each other.”

Jensen stares at the table. In all truth, ever since Jared started to go to therapy, he’s been… different. He’s happier, better and… well. Jensen sighs. Jared doesn’t need him as much as he used. He doesn’t rely on him on the same level. And it hurts. Because yes, he wants Jared to get better, but he’s scared of losing him along the way. Jensen knows that it’s selfish. He should be glad that Jared is coming out of his bubble. But the fact that he is out more often, going to friends, being a teenager, petrifies him. Maybe it’s because Jensen is leaving for college in two months, when school is out, and he wants to spend as much time with Jared as he can before he leaves? Maybe it’s just because he enjoys being with his boyfriend? Or maybe… maybe it’s because he is so stupidly in love with him that he feels physically ill when they’re apart? He shrugs and looks up to meet Steve’s gaze.

“He’s with his psychologist,” he says, before staring back down at his drink and pondering his thoughts.

 

*****

 

Jared looks up from where he is sitting and smiles when he sees Katie watching him. She rolls her eyes and tosses him a candy bar. He thanks her and then returns to his writing. This is the first time he’s done it. The first time he has had the courage to sit at the table and write out all the things that he keeps inside. He knows that he’s way over his hour, the bell rang a while ago, but Katie doesn’t rush him, just lets him write. He leans back against the wall and decides to read over his letter one last time, before he burns it. He looks back at Katie and stands, heading over to the fire pit.

“You coming?” he asks.

She stands and moves next to him. “You ready?”

He shakes his head. “No… I want to read it first. Out loud. I want you to hear.”

She just nods. So he takes a deep breath and begins.

“Dear mom,

I hate you. I hate you for leaving me in a dumpster. I hate you for abandoning me. And I hate you for being stupid enough to get pregnant when you were so far from emotionally being capable to deal with the problems it might cause: me.

You wanna know what happened to me, mom? What abandoning me did to my soul? Well, screw it because I am done doing and thinking about what you would want. I’m going to tell you and I damn well hope that you can hear me from hell. Because, let’s face it, there is no way that you made it to heaven.

I have been sexually abused, physically abused and verbally abused over my pathetic 16, nearly 17, years on this earth. I have been tossed around like an object, no one ever really caring about me enough to keep me around.

When I was seven, I was tortured. The man I stayed with had a dungeon in the basement. He whipped us bloody, starved us. He had this tiny little box, and he’d put us in it overnight. You had to curl up in ball and once you were in it, you couldn’t move. Once, he left me in there for three days. I couldn’t breathe, was left in there with the stench my own urine. I wish I’d died back then. It would have been a lot less painful than what I went through next.

When I was 8, I sucked a dick for the first time in my life. You happy, mom? This what you wanted from me? To be forced to suck an older boys cock in order to be given food? Because I did, for three whole months that’s what I did. I was only eight. I deserved a childhood! I deserved to be loved and cared for! All I have ever wanted was someone to love me. But what do I get? I get you as a mother. And God only knows who my father is. Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be loved?

All the foster homes I went through, the abuse… the things that I was forced to do! I hate myself. And I hate you. And I hate God, if he’s real. I hate Alona, for not taking me in when she knew the pain I was going through. I hate everything.

I wish I was dead. Sometimes I get so damn tempted. But I just can’t. Because now I have Jensen. And I have to keep going, for him. I love him and I am so damn grateful to you, mom. Because I hate you, but if you hadn’t left me, I would never of met the love of my life. So I guess I have to thank you for doing one thing useful with your life.

I just don’t understand, why me?  Why did I end up with this life? Why did I end up being considered worth less than kids? I just… I just want to understand. Why…”  
Jared stops reading and allows himself to fall into Katie’s open arms, sobbing and trembling. It feels so good to let the tension out. To let the hatred and feelings that have boiled up with in him be heard by another person. It feels so damn good and painful and he can’t stop crying. Katie lets him cry and, after a while, he pulls away.

She smiles at him. “Ready to burn it?”  
He frowns. “I didn’t finish reading it.”

“Do you want to ?” He shakes his head.

“Then let’s burn it.”  
He faces the fire and with a deep breath, he tosses the paper onto the flames. They watch in silence as they shrivel up and smolder. Jared feels as though a weight has been lifted and he wipes away one last tear as the final strand of paper shrivels up. He’s glad Katie didn’t hear the whole letter. He’s glad she didn’t hear the last words. They’re still clear in his mind. _One day I will find my father, and when I do, I’ll kill him._

*********

Jared stares out the window, excitement creeping into his chest. Jensen comes home today. His boyfriend has only been at college one month but it feels like so much longer. He can’t wait to see him again. The summer after Jensen finished high school had been the best of his life. They had spent hours together every day, Jensen teaching Jared how to handle the horses and then going to the lake house with their friends. It had been brilliant. But then that summer had ended and Jensen had gone off to college and Jared was stuck back in school. It had been a hard month, especially since Jensen was so busy with college and didn’t have much time to talk. The sound of tires on the gravel jolts him from his thoughts and he looks up hurriedly, grinning when he sees Jensen’s car. He stands and rushes out the room and through the front door, all prepared to give Jensen a huge hug when he sees the girl getting out of the car. He freezes, confused. The girl is pretty and when Jensen walks over to her, she smiles and presses a kiss to his lips. Jared feels sick. What is going on? Jensen sees him and smiles, but it seems fake, his jaw to tight, his eyes blank.

“Jared! Come here!” Jensen says, walking towards him.

Jared hesitantly obeys and allows Jensen to to wrap his arms around him and hug him. He relaxes into the familiar hold, enjoying the feeling of Jensen’s firm body against his. All too soon Jensen pulls back and clears his throat.

“Jared, I want you to meet Lexi, my girlfriend.”

The girl smiles. “Hi.”  
Jared stares at them both in confusion, feeling sick. No. Jensen is his boyfriend. What does he mean, his girlfriend? Jared stammers out a hello, before turning and running back into the house.

“He’s shy,” he hears Jensen telling his girlfriend.

“Foster kids,” the girl says, as though that explains everything.

Jared throws himself onto his bed, curling in on himself tightly and gasping. What just happened? Why would Jensen do this to him? He lets out a choke sob. There is a soft knocking on the door and then Jensen slips into his room, staring at his feet. Then he shuffles over to the bed and lies down behind Jared, spooning him and pressing his lips to the back of his neck.

“It’s not what you think, Jay.”

Jared sniffs. Jensen sighs.

“Mom and dad don’t know I’m gay. I was going to tell them, Jay. Honest. But then mom was going on about how wrong it is and I got scared. They suspect something. I don’t know what, but they’ve been pressing me about relationships lately. I thought… I thought if I brought home a girlfriend they’d drop the subject and their suspicions. Then I’d go back to college and dump her. I should have told you. But I didn’t want you to get too worked up about it. I’m sorry.”  
Jared huffs and turns to face Jensen. The older boys face is open and honest. Jared sighs and nuzzles into Jensen’s arms.

“Okay. Shouldn’t you go find… Lexi? I mean, you kind of just abandoned her.”

Jensen grins. “She’s talking to mom. And I’m not going anywhere until I’ve gotten a kiss.”  
Jared laughs a lightly presses his lips to Jensen’s.

“I’ve missed you,” he whispers.

“”I’ve missed you too,” comes the reply. Then Jensen sighs and rolls off the bed. “Come on, Jay. Let’s go.”

Jared takes Jensen’s hand and follows him out the room. They stop at the bottom of the stairs and let go of each other’s hands, before heading into the kitchen where Lexi is chatting happily to Donna. Lexi smiles when she sees Jensen.

“There you are, babe!” She squeals, kissing him quickly.   
Jared looks away, walking over to Mack who is sitting at the table, glaring. Jared sirs next to her and they both sigh deeply, watching Donna fuss over them both.

“I don’t like her,” Mack huffs.

Jared laughs bitterly. “Me neither.”

They sit there is silence, watching the scene roll out in front of them. Donna seems to like Lexi and Jared tries to curve his jealousy. Donna likes him, he reasons, just not in the whole ‘I support your relationship with my son’ sort of way. Mack glares at Lexi right through dinner and Jared can’t help but feel proud of her. He knows it’s petty. Jensen explained the situation to him. But he still hates it, watching Jensen flirt and look so… in love with another person. He wishes that Jensen could look like  that with him, but he knows that it isn’t possible. Not now, probably not ever. Suddenly not feeling to well, he excuses himself and heads upstairs to his room. He locks the door to his room and slides down to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest. He feels the tears start before he can even blink. He hates himself on days like this. Whilst therapy with Katie helps, some days it just all comes crashing down on him and he feels like he can’t breathe. It’s at times like this that ending his life seems so much simpler. He hates it, he hates himself. Why is he like this? Sometimes he is this happy, carefree kid that likes to mess around and be free, then other times he is this dark shadow of self-pity and misery. He wishes that he could get rid of this feeling, but he doesn’t know how. Gosh, he just wants it to go away.

There is a knock on his door and then a whispered, “Jay, are you okay?”

Jared leans his head back against the door and sighs deeply. “’m fine, Jen. Just tired.”  
Pause. “Can I come in?”

“No.”

Jensen says something else, but Jared doesn’t hear. He’s too far gone inside his own head. He’s too lost in his own mind to hear the crying on the other side of the door, begging for him to listen, begging for him to be okay.

 

 

**Part Four**

He doesn’t see Jensen until his graduation. He spends his last few months at school, working his arse off to get good grades. He isolates himself, only talking to Chad and the Ackles. He stays in after school clubs merely to make it look good on his CV, but not out of enjoyment. Katie senses the change in him, stops with the laid back counseling and starts pushing and prodding at him to talk. He won’t. He graduates high school with a full ride to Stanford. Donna and Alan are so proud of him and he knows that he should be too, but he feels nothing. All he wants is to get away. It’s not that the Ackles have treat him badly, because they haven’t. They’ve loved him and cared for him as though he is their own son. But something inside of him changed the night Jensen brought Lexi home. He doesn’t know what, but he can feel this anger and hatred burning inside of him and he feels so damn empty. Once, he heard Katie talking to Donna. She was saying how it’s normal for depressed or abused victims to get better and then suddenly deteriorate. Katie reassured Donna that it wasn’t permanent. That Jared would feel better with her help, except, she couldn’t help him get better until she found out what caused the step backwards. Jared knows that he should just tell her about Lexi. She already knows about his relationship, or previous relationship since he hasn’t spoken to or seen Jensen in months. He should just fess up and tell Katie that he was fine until Lexi came into the picture, but he can’t. He just can’t seem to get the words out. He knows that he is worrying everyone. He hears Jensen on the phone to Donna, asking about him and trying to convince them to let him talk to Jared. But Jared always refuses. Alan and Donna don’t know what happened to cause the rift between the two boys who were once so close. Jensen doesn’t either. In fact, neither does Jared. He just knows that he couldn’t talk to Jensen out of hurt and spite, and then it just got harder and harder to pick up the phone.

The day of graduation was hell. Jared accepted his award and scholarship then walked over to join Mack, Donna and Alan. Except Josh and Jensen were standing there too. Jensen smiles at him and congratulated him, acting as though nothing was wrong. Jared forced himself to smile back and then allowed Chad to take a picture of the whole family. He felt happy, for that split second, but then the sky clouded over he went back to being numb.

Now, standing outside his dorm room, he forces himself to feel. He opens up to the overwhelming sense of pride. Because he, a stupid, abused foster kid, could make it. He smiles and takes a deep breath, opening the door to his dorm.

“Hurry up, Jared! I wanna see.”  
Jared rolls his eyes and turns to face Chad. He still doesn’t know how his best friend managed it, but someone he got them to be roommates. Jared is glad, but he won’t admit it. He steps inside and makes room for Chad to follow. They look around the small dorm and grin at each other.

“We made it, Jared! We actually did it. Ha! This calls for celebration. Let’s hit the bar down town.”  
Jared raises his eyebrows as Chad pulls out a pack of fake ID’s and hands one to Jared.

“There ya go. Come on.”  
Jared laughs and follows his friend out the  room, closing the door behind him.

The bar is crowded and already chaotic, despite it being only 8pm. Jared is on his third beer and he can feel the dizziness settling in. He lost Chad a while ago to some chick whose name he can’t remember. He’s about to stand and head back to the dorm when he hears a voice behind him.

“Jay?”

Damn it, he thinks turning around slowly to face Jensen. He knew he’d see him at some point, seeing as Jensen attends Stanford, but he had hoped it wouldn’t be this soon. He smiles stupidly.

“Hey, Jen! What’re you doin’ here?”  
It comes out slurred due to the liquor taking affect. Jensen laughs abruptly and in disbelief.

“You’re drunk? Seriously Jared!”

Jared blushes. “Sorry.”

Jensen shakes his head and then takes Jared’s hand. It feels good. Touching Jensen always felt good. Not caring about looking stupid, Jared flings his arms around Jensen and hugs him tightly, breathing in his scent and soaking up his warmth. He’s missed this. Missed Jensen. It’s so stupid, now that he thinks about it. He had it so damn good and he let one moment of anger and hurt stretch out and ruin everything.

“Sorry, Jen,” he whimpers. “Missed you.”  
Jensen hugs him back. “Me too, Jay. Wanna come back to mine and get some rest? We can talk in the morning.”  
Jared nods and lets Jensen guide him out the bar. The walk to Jensen’s flat is short, but Jared is tired an drunk and all he wants to do is curl up next to Jensen and sleep. Thankfully, Jensen seems to get the picture and guides him straight to the bedroom, helping him strip off his layers and then they snuggle together just like they used to when Jared was still a scared little boy who needed Jensen to save him. Funny how something’s don’t change.

 *****

When Jared wakes up, he’s alone. He spends a split second panicking before remembering the night before. He’s with Jensen. Who is currently humming very loudly and judging by the smell, cooking breakfast. A large grin spreads across Jared’s face. He can apologize and sort everything out and then maybe, just maybe, he can be with Jensen again. Surprisingly, he doesn’t feel like crap form the alcohol. He feels… alive and happy and ready to face the day. It’s a nice difference from the previous months. He climbs out the bed and walks through the flat, stopping when he takes in Jensen in a t-shirt and sweat pants, stacking pancakes on an overflowing plate.

“Morning, Jay,” he says, picking up the plate and placing it on the table that is already set. Jared grins. “Morning, Jen. Thanks.”  
Jensen laughs lightly. “Don’t mention it, sweetheart.”  
They tuck into the food, not talking, simply enjoying being in each other’s presence after so long. Once the food is done, Jensen looks Jared in the eye.

“Jay, I need you to tell me why. What did I do wrong? I’m sorry about Lexi. I thought it was best for both of us if I threw mom and dad off of our scent. But it didn’t mean anything. These past few months.. not being able to talk to you or be near you has been killing me. I just… I’m so sorry, Jared. For everything.”  
Jared closes his eyes and sighs, before opening them and looking Jensen dead in the eye.

‘I was an idiot.” Jensen opens his mouth to protest but Jared rushes on. “I’ve spent my entire life watching people being pushed aside after being used and abused. I guess seeing you with someone else triggered that old fear and I just… I just couldn’t. That night, as I sat at the table and watched you with Lexi, I kept thinking about how that could never be us. You can never get your parents approval of me, you can never openly in public express your feelings. Our whole relationship was just one big secret and it was suffocating me. I just couldn’t do it, Jen. And that night I just snapped. So I pushed you away. Honestly, after a week I was dying to apologize and fix things, but it just got harder and harder to try and so I gave up. I know I’ve been worrying everyone and I didn’t mean to, I just didn’t know how to fix it. I’m sorry, Jensen.”

He watches the older boy cautiously, not sure what to expect. But then Jensen stands up, pulling Jared with him. He wraps his arms around Jared and then, just before pressing their lips together, he whispers, “Mom and dad approve, Jay. I told them months ago.”  
The kiss is slow and gentle, a light pressure of lips on lips, before Jared pulls back, wide eyed. “You told them?”  
Jensen laughs. “Yeah. They were worried about you. They needed to know some of the reasons that could possibly have caused your depression. They don’t mind. We aren’t blood brothers. Besides, mom had already guessed what was going on.”

“She had?”

Jensen smirks. “The hair was a dead giveaway.”  
Jared laughs as he remembers that day in Jensen’s room and how he teased him about his messy hair after their make out session. Still grinning, he leans in and kisses Jensen.

“Missed this. Missed you,” he murmurs.

“Love this. Love you,” Jensen replies.

Jared freezes and pulls back, staring. “Really?”  
Jensen nods shyly. “Really, Jay. I love you.”  
Jared surges forward and claims his mouth once more, pushing Jensen against the wall as he presses himself as tightly against Jensen as possible.   
“I love you, too, Jen. So damn much.”

They don’t leave the flat that day. Or the next. Jensen is too busy erasing all the memories of other people touching his Jared and replacing them with the feeling of his own skin.

 

*****

 

Jared sits in the car nervously, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. Jensen leans over and tilts is chin up so that they are eye to eye. Then his boyfriend places a light kiss on his forehead.

“Be brave, Jay. You can do it.”  
Jared nods and climbs out the car, walking through the open gates. He follows the winding path until he arrives at the right location. Then he steps off the path and looks down at the two gravestones in front of him.

Sharon Padalecki and Jerry Padalecki, lying side by side. It took months, but after extensive research and help from the Ackles, he discovered what really happened to his parents. A month into the pregnancy, Jerry had been in an accident and died. Sharon, over whelmed with grief and with no source of income, had turned to her family for help, but they had turned her away. She tried to support herself and the baby, but after 9 months of trying, she gave up. That’s when Jared was left at the dumpster. That’s when she killed herself. It had been Katie who suggested that Jared visit their graves. At first he had been opposed to the idea, but after a careful discussion with Jensen, he agreed. Now, he looks down at their names and feels a swirl of emotion in the pit of his stomach.

“I hated you,” he whispers. “I blamed you two for so long. I wanted you to be alive just so that I could shove what you’ve done to me back in your faces. But I understand now. You tried, momma. You tried and you did your best, given the situation. But it just wasn’t enough. You just wanted what was best for me. I get it now, mommy. I… and dad, it wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t control that accident. I never should have blamed you both for so long. It’s been eating away at me my whole life, and it was all for nothing. You loved me. You wanted me to have a life and you couldn’t give it to me. I just wish that I could have met you, now, when I’m older. I wish I could remember you.” He laughs softly, wiping at his tears. “I met someone. A boy. His name’s Jensen Ackles and I love him. He saved me. He’s the one who convinced me to come see you. I hope that if you were here, you would like him, that you would like me.” He takes a deep breath. “I forgive you. I forgive you both and I’m so sorry it took me this long to do so. Goodbye, mom. Goodbye, dad. Thank you.”  
He turns to walk away, back towards the car and towards the boy who is waiting for him. But just before he leaves the cemetery, he falters, almost bumping into the man and woman standing there by the gate.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there!” He says, trying to be polite and cheerful.

The couple smile at him. “It’s okay, hon. My mistake.” The woman’s voice is soft and gentle and it sends a warm feeling to chest. The man places a hand on his shoulder.

“You okay, son?”  
Jared stares at the man, a feeling of security overwhelming him.

“Um, yeah,” he stammers. “I am now. I just.. sorted something out with someone I have been wrongly blaming for a very long time.”

“It feels good, doesn’t it? Letting go.”

Jared nods. “Yeah, it does.”

The woman smiles sweetly. “I’m sure that whoever it was is very proud of you, sweetheart. You did the right thing. Now it’s time to let go and finally live your own life without all that pain and guilt. It’s time for you to move on.”

Jared nods, a smile tugging at his lips. “You’re right. I.. I need to move on, to let go. I think I’ve finally managed it. I know the truth now, and it’s okay. I forgive them.”

He looks up and sees Jensen leaning back against the car seat, his eyes focused on something out the window. Jared grins. “And I’ve finally got something to live for.”

The couple follow Jared’s eye line and then nod approvingly. “He looks like a good guy. Keep him around, okay? They don’t come around too often.”

“Oh, I don’t plan on ever letting go,” he murmurs, walking towards the car. He looks back over his shoulder to say goodbye, but the man and woman are gone. He frowns. Strange. He wanders back over to the car and climbs inside, lost in thought. Jensen looks over at him and smiles, taking his hand.   
“So? How was it?” You okay?”  
Jared nods distractedly. “Yeah, it was good. Did you see a man and woman just enter the cemetery?”  
Jensen frowns. “No one has walked past. I was watching.”

“But…” he pales. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, what’s going on, Jay?”

“Oh my gosh,” he mutters. “It can’t be…”  
“Jay?” Jensen asks, worried.

Jared clears his thoughts and grins at Jensen. “Nothing, Jen. I’m good. Really good. I finally moved on. And I think… I think my parents did too.”  
Jensen gives him a confused look but it melts away as he takes in Jared’s wide open happiness. “Well then,” Jensen says, putting the car into gear. “Let’s get going. Mom and dad will be waiting for us. And you know how Mack gets when supper is late.”

Jared nods, still grinning from ear to ear. “Yeah,” he replies, eyes focused solely on the boy sitting next to him. “Let’s go home.”

  
 

  


 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> xxx


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